pushed over the edge: "teenage wasteland"

i read an article called "teenage wasteland". the article itself talks about teenage suicide and what pushes one to take their own lives. 

this article really hit close to home for me. when i was in middle school, one of my closest friends (lets call her Jane) had revealed to me and our group of frinds that she was cutting herself. oddly enough none of our group of friends (including myself) thought much about it. in fact, it was almost glorified. we would all talk about how and where we cut ourselves, or tried to commit suicide. i myself never cut myself, but i felt the urge to lie about it so that i wouldn't be so left out of the group. in a way, it made us closer. we used to have xanga accounts and we'd write about heartbreak and other reasons why life sucked. one day, me and another friend were in class. the guidance counselor opened the door and had called me and her out of the class. she told us that my friend Jane had just been taken to the hospital. Jane had come to school that day with a fresh cut which she was hiding in her sleeve. but my teacher noticed something was wrong and they found the cut. "she was bleeding so much that we had to call the ambulance." I was told that she had just missed her vein and that she would be held in the hospital under surveillance. she was missing from school for over a month. she wrote to me once, telling me how much she wanted me to visit but that they wouldn't let her put my name down for the list because i was too young. we all worried about her so much, and suddenly cutting and suicide became more of a reality to me. i had regular appointments with the guidance counselor so that they could keep an eye on me too, since i was the closest to Jane. Jane came back to school when me and my friends were on our lunch break one day, me and my friends heard about the news and ran back to school and up 4 flights of stairs to welcome her back. Jane had a few relapses over the years, she was in and out of the hospital a lot during middle school. me and Jane went to high school together afterwards, and one day i had the guts to talk to her about it. to ask why. because even though i was also depressed, i was never pushed that close to the edge. she told me that it was because she wanted some attention, she was jealous of her brother who was in the army and loved by her whole family. basically, she couldn't be perfect. 

reading this article reminded me of that part of my life. and it reminded me that we as humans are "our own worst enemy". we constantly try to be perfect in one way or another. when in reality, "perfection" is relative and there isn't really a set standard for perfection. its only the standard that we put for ourselves. and when we are putting that much pressure on ourselves we are going to hurt ourselves. we might say that we like being "average" or even try to glorify being "weirdos". but in reality, very few of the "weirdos" actually like being "weird". 

it also reminded me that suicide is a hard thing to understand. in the end of the article Donna Gaines mentions about how some would always ask "why?" "why did they do it?"  "why didn't they just leave?" some people blame depression, and a "chemical imbalance" for the root of suicides. but me? i blame people for it. there are so many "standards" that are being set, and unless you meet such standards you're deemed "below average". what is average when it comes to types of people that we ought to be really? i can't understand how people can be called average in that sense. and for some people (including myself) when you hear "below average" in this sense, i hear "worthless" instead. and i've been told to correct my thinking because i think that way. but its not something i can really change. 

the problem with fieldwork.

"the mere observation of an experiment changes its outcome" - The Observer Effect.

When one goes into ethnography, they have to adapt to their new surroundings. They must embrace another culture and "gain the trust" of the people that they are going to be observing. It also requires intimacy with the people. I mean think about it, if you were an ethnographer, your purpose is to find out and study a group that's not of your own, and then you have to take what you learn and use that information in order to teach and educate others, those who are also not part of that group. But there are problems with this sort of research.There's bias, researchers's work is affected by their own personal opinions and "preconceived attitudes". The article says that "Good Ethnography is systematic, rigorous, scientific." But no matter how scientific and systematic a person is, we (as imperfect human beings) are always holding people to our standards of being.

Another problem...the quote above "the mere observation of an experiment changes its outcome." That is the observer effect, and while that mainly pertains to physics, can it not also be true regarding observing people? Think about it. When you know that you're being watched, you may act differently from how you normally act. Not to say you're going to act completely different. But even slight changes in the way you speak or the way you move, those are all being observed and recorded, when in fact that's not how you would be under normal circumstances. In the textbook it is called the Hawthorne Effect - the fact that human beings will react differently because they know they are in a study.
From personal experience, I know that when i know I'm being watched and in a way "judged" I certainly act differently. depending on who I am with, I will even go so far as to talk in a different manner. around teachers and older people i'll be more formal.when i'm around younger ones and friends i am very casual in my speech. so an adult's perception of me, can be completely different from how someone of my age group perceives me.

In reality though, even though there are ways of dealing with the Hawthorne effect, it's completely in human nature to act differently around different people and different scenarios. Observation is one of the main tools we have at our use in order to gain information about things. But its also flawed, and prone to so many variables. "It Depends"

who am i?

(and not the les miserable song...=P)

i'll be honest...this is slightly awkward...

so, who am i?
i'm an idealist. (i took the "jung and briggs myer typology test. i am INFP - the healer.) i'm an idealist living in a realist world. you can imagine how tough that gets. for me, the glass is half full because i drank out of it, and its also half empty in constant need of a refill. 

i'm an artist. and no i can't draw, i can't paint, i can't really play the guitar (although i'm hoping that will change). i'm an amateur photographer, and by amateur i mean that its a hobby. but i've always liked the idea of preserving something as precious as a single moment in a roll of film. music has always been a big thing in my life, i grew up singing everything and anything. i am a writer, because through writing i'm able to express my ideas without worrying about saying something i don't mean. i don't express myself very well speaking, writing makes up for it. 

i grew up in a very typical asian household surrounded by immediate family and also extended family. i was taught how to survive on my own from an early age. i was born in new york city and raised half here and half in jersey, which is where most of my closest friends live. these people have been the some of the greatest influences on my life ever. 

i'm a student at a cuny college hoping to become a high school english teacher.

i've always wanted to be the person who inspired other people. to give guidance and be the one that people could depend on and always look to for help. so i was inspired to become a teacher because of the teachers i've had who have taught me life lessons in addition to curriculum lessons, the teachers who were more than just teachers, they were friends.  i've always felt that my purpose in life was to help others, and i find that the ones i want to help most are the young ones. i can't thank those who were there for me in my (not so distant) youth, and how they've guided me through the hardest parts of my life.

now, what are some historical or social events that have shaped me and in turn shaped the way i see the world?

i am one of jehovah's witnesses. i was raised around the truth by my parents and i chose to be baptized, november 2 2002. this is my history, and it has molded me into the person that i am today. i guess faith (or a lack there of) always plays a large role when it comes to how you grow up. not only does it give you an understanding of whats right and whats wrong, but it also effects the way that people treat you. for a long time, i didn't understand why people made fun of us or even hated us. but as i grew up i gained the ability to see how others may view my faith., my religion. it's funny though because not a lot of people understand what we do and why we do it. i imagine sometimes what would've happened if i had not chose to become one of jehovah's witnesses, and i have to say, i look pretty miserable in that alternative dimension.